Help Heal My Abuse

$3,739 of $10,000 raised

raised by 79 people in 2 weeks

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Hi Everyone,

I am just like all of you, someone with hopes, dreams and a wish for a beautiful life for myself. I struggle every day to hold onto my dreams of building a bayis neeman byisroel. My story is that as a child I went through incredible abuse, both sexual and emotional by someone very close to me. Growing up was hell, especially since I did not have words to put to my experiences. Things like good touch and bad touch and kindness and manipulation all got so confusing for me..I tried in my own way to hint to those that something was wrong..but the signs of what I was going through were convered up and pushed under the rug. I felt so trapped. so alone with nobody to turn to.  As I hit high school age, all the dysfunction from my childhood that I hid behind a mask poured out of me and I completely fell apart. Since that time and with the guidance of Rabbi's I have left my family and my home, cutting contact with those who have destroyed so much of my life. However, I am on my own, alone, hurting and in so much pain.

The effects of abuse have crushed so much of me. I need help and I am working really hard on myself, going through the pain of the past and working through the hell of innocence that was taken from me at such a young age. I found a great therapist and I am doing tremendous work while living on a shoestring budget and pouring all my income into therapy .

Therapy for me is like ripping myself out of infected skin and painfully growing new healthy skin. It is such painful and healing work that I do because I am determined that my past sould not define my future. what I want more than anything else in my life is to get better. I cry and plead with Hashem to help me find that strength to overcome and to believe in Him and His kindness when my world is full of blackness and His kindness feels hidden. Being that I am on my own, and responsible for all my expenses, I am no longer able to afford my therapy. I spent every last penny that I worked so hard to earn. I then knowingly went into debt because I could not bare to give up my therapy which is my only chance at a future. The financial pressure is adding so much stress that I've been falling back into bad emotional patterns and a bad headspace. Cutting back therapy exacerbates my memories. I have no money at all to pay for my life altering therapy expenses and the fear of not having that support is devastating to me.

I am a survivor of so much hell. I fought and came through but now I can't do it anymore.  I am falling apart witout the support that is my life. The memories of sexual abuse and bad touch are destroying my mind. I am shattered and going through so much pain. I want to get on my feet, be healthy enough to hold down a job and not be crying in bed from memories that are haunting me. I am tired and  hungry and pained and angry at Hashem because I don't even have the energy to get out of bed and take care for myself. Small things are such a big struggle for me but I genuinely want to change. I want to be happy and healthy. I want to grow into someone who can be a light for other abuse victims who should know that people can change, that abuse sould not be covered and that there is always hope. But now in my life I feel so depressed and miserable and I just cant take it anymore.

I ask please of whoever is able to help me get on my feet to please help. Please support me on thuis journey so that I am not alone. I so badly want to move past this pain, be functional enough to get a job, go to college, support myself independently and get back on my feet so that I don't need to feel the shame and pain of reaching out to others. My promise is that for anyone who helps for me to get the treatment that I need, I will pay forward the kindness of others. I will daven for you and be forever greatful for your kindness in helping me reach a healthy place.

Even if you can't donate, I ask please whoever sees this to watch the video below so that you can get a taste of what I and so many other abuse survivers have gone through and maybe it will help klal yisroel understand how much pain abuse causes to its victims and how we have to stand up against abuse and not let it happen to our children. Please help me come out of this pain so that I can move out of this depression and PTSD and build a bright future. Tizku Lmitzvos.

$3,739 of $10,000 raised

raised by 79 people in 2 weeks

Created by

Gitty Blackstein
March 2017

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